STFU: Learn Listening That Will Change Your Relationships

A funny AI image of Carolyn and Erin Snow, Co-Facilitators of STFU: Learn Listening that Will Change Your Relationships

Do you know how to listen? Did you answer yes before I finished the question? If so, that was the moment you stopped listening. Welcome to the club. Humans are great at a lot of things, but listening? Not exactly our gold medal sport.

Here’s the scoop: Your brain is wired for survival. It’s always on the lookout to protect, win, or defend. The second you sense a pause, your mind jumps ahead, crafting a comeback or prepping your next brilliant point. That’s when your listening (and curiosity) brain takes a coffee break. Suddenly, you’re not really learning about the person in front of you. You’re focused on proving your point, getting your word in, or making sure you’re heard.

Here’s the wild part: learning to turn off that automatic response is the actual secret to deeper, richer relationships with everyone in your life, including yourself.

Why Listening Is So Hard

(and Why You’re Not Broken)

Neuroscience (the real kind) shows that our brains are built to prioritize self-protection. In the Fire It Up Marriage Accelerator and in the STFU: Learn Listening workshop, we dig into how your amygdala and nervous system are always scanning for danger, emotional or otherwise. When someone’s talking, your brain is already prepping its defense before you’ve even heard the whole story.

The result? We stop being curious. We stop truly listening. And we miss the opportunity to connect, learn, and grow together.

“The art of communication is a practice of learning to be open to all the material that is being communicated and being curious about what another human is thinking and feeling. Too often we get caught in the trap of imposing our experience, beliefs, and orientation onto another rather than really learning about them.” -Fire It Up, Chapter 8

What Changes When You Actually Listen

When you listen (really listen!) you’re not just hearing words.

You’re giving your partner, friend, or colleague the gift of being seen and understood.

You’re building a culture of generosity and acceptance where both people can show up as their best selves.

And here’s the kicker: you can learn to do this.

It’s not a talent. It’s a practice. It’s a muscle you build, one awkward pause at a time. And yes, it will feel weird at first. You might have to sit on your hands to keep from jumping in. You might have to bite your tongue when your brain wants to leap in with a solution or a story of your own.

But the payoff is huge: more connection, less conflict, and a whole lot more learning, growth and deep connection (shit, I said connection twice).

You don’t have to be a monk or a therapist to get this right. You just have to be willing to notice when your brain wants to take over, and try something different. That’s what I teach in my workshops and in the Fire It Up book, but honestly, you don’t need a class to start.

Try it with the next person who talks to you today. Notice the urge to jump in. See if you can stay curious just a little bit longer.

You might be surprised at what you lear, not just about them, but about yourself.

Let’s all get a little better at shutting up and tuning in. The world could use more of that.

— Carolyn

P.S. If you want to go deeper, check out my book Fire It Up, catch my TEDx talk, or join me for STFU: Learn Listening that Will Save Your Relationships. But mostly, just practice listening. It’s the best gift you can give to everyone you care about (ESPECIALLY you).