It was never about the Toilet Paper: What Giving a TEDx Talk Taught Me About Connection (And Myself)

Photo by Seana Williamson. The prop I used for my TEDxHartford.

40 hours ago, I stood on the TEDxHartford stage and delivered a 13-minute, 34-second talk about connection, survival, and why we fight so hard over toilet paper.

The core message? Connection is not a luxury. It is survival.

And our brains, wired for survival, often work against us, turning minor disagreements into major battles, making enemies out of neighbors, and convincing us that disconnection is safer than staying open.

It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

And one of the most transformative.

Not because of the talk itself, though I'm proud of it, but because of what I learned in the process of creating it.

The Wrong Ask

So many couples, teams, and individuals come to me with the same request: Fix them.

Fix my partner who won't listen.

Fix my colleague who gives me critical feedback. My team that won't listen to me.

Fix my family member who voted the wrong way.

They want the cure for a relationship that's challenging them: someone asking for support they don't want to give, compromise they don't think they should have to make, collaboration that feels unfair.

And almost every time, it's the wrong ask.

Because the challenge is the work.

The growth isn't in getting rid of the difficult person or avoiding the uncomfortable truth.

The growth is in learning to stop fighting the challenge and start working within it.

This was true in the process of giving a TED talk as much as it was the subject of my TED talk.

TEDx Talk: A Different Kind of Challenge

I've done a lot of speaking engagements. I've led retreats, workshops, and panels. And up to this point, I've always gotten to craft what I say and how I say it: my ideas, my way, my style.

A TED talk is totally different.

There's a team of coaches tasked with helping you give a talk with your message the TED way, with words, phrases, pacing, and style that fit the 13-minute, keep-their-attention, enhance-deep-learning-in-short-talks, live-on-the-internet-forever format.

And then it has to be rehearsed. Practiced. Memorized. Oof, the memorizing! But that is a topic for another post....

So it's not just my ideas, my way. It has to be crafted through a process. A collaborative process. A process that requires compromise, feedback, and, let's be honest, a willingness to let go of control.

This could have been only frustrating, difficult, terrifying.

And if I'm honest, it was for some of my peers who really, really, really insisted on doing their talks their way. (And no shame to them, these are people with vast experience of what works and how they need to share.)

And while their talks were excellent, I am absolutely confident they did not learn as much or gain as much from the process as I did....

The Choice: Lean Toward or Lean Away?

Here's the thing: I could have fought the process. I could have insisted on my way, my words, my pacing. I could have resisted the feedback, defended my choices, and held tight to my vision.

My survival brain wanted to protect me…to stay right, stay safe, stay in control.

But I didn't do that. Not because I'm some perfectly self-aware person who never gets defensive (trust me, I do). But because I've learned, through years of doing this work with couples, teams, and individuals, that the greatest teacher is always the challenge:

The uncomfortable truth.

The difficult person.

The opposing view.

The process that asks you to stretch, compromise, and grow.

So I made a different choice. I chose to lean toward connection instead of away.

I practiced Curiosity: What can I learn from this feedback? What do these coaches see that I can't?

I practiced Compassion: They're not trying to control me, they're trying to help me create something timeless.

I practiced Connection: This process is bigger than me. What does the "us" (the talk, the message, the audience) need right now?

And in doing so, I learned more about public speaking, about TED talks, about creating something timeless, but mainly, about myself, than I ever could have on my own.

What I Gained

The talk was 13 minutes and 34 seconds.

But my experience with the coaches, the organizers, and the other speakers? The friendships I made? The lessons I learned?

Those will last forever. As I have been told by many people since the process began six months ago, I am now a part of the TEDxHartford family, and I am so deeply grateful to be a part of this extraordinary family of deeply authentic, wise, and committed people.

The relationship to the process, and to the people who guided me through it, is 1,000 times more valuable than giving the talk itself (Luckily, I get to keep both!!).

And here's what I know for sure: if I had fought the process, if I had insisted on doing it my way, I would have missed all of it.

I would have given a fine talk. But I wouldn't have grown.

When we lean toward connection instead of away, we expand what's possible.

We don't just solve the problem in front of us, we become someone new in the process.

The Invitation

Each of us has a choice: stay where we are, or grow into someone better.

This is true whether you stay in the relationship you're in or leave it.

This is true whether you take the job, start the business, or give the talk.

This is true in your marriage, your friendships, your workplace, and your community.

There is always something more (and more and more) to be learned.

And the greatest teacher in it all is always the challenge.

The person who gives you critical, difficult feedback.

The partner who asks for support you don't want to give.

The colleague who sees things differently.

The process that asks you to let go of control and trust something bigger than yourself.

When we lean away—when we protect, defend, and insist on being right—we stay small.

When we lean toward, when we practice Curiosity, Compassion, and Connection, we expand what's possible.

So Here's My Question for You

• What challenge are you fighting right now?

• What relationship, process, or person are you resisting: wishing they would just change, just go away, just be easier?

• And what would happen if you stopped fighting it and started working within it?

• What if you leaned toward instead of away?

• What would you learn?

• Who would you become?

Because I promise you this: it is always easier to work with your relationships for connection, learning, and growth than it is to spend your time fighting about the people and relationships that challenge you.

The challenge is the work.

The challenge is the gift.

The challenge is the teacher.

What's one challenge you're ready to lean into today? I'd love to hear from you. Hit reply and let me know.

With curiosity, compassion, and connection, as well as ENDLESS gratitude to the TEDx Hartford family,

Carolyn

Photo by one of my brilliant coaches Ryan Mazurkavich of me mid way through my talk.