A Walk Through Rome, Part 3 (finale): Choose to Protect The Us.

A wall at Hadrian's Villa.

A walk through Rome, part 3: Choose to Protect the Us

Rome has a way of telling the truth without raising its voice.

You can stand in the Roman Forum, surrounded by columns that once held up an empire, and feel two things at the same time. I felt awe and I felt a warning.

Because Rome is not only beauty. It is also a record of what humans can normalize when fear rises, when power hardens, and when “winning” becomes more important than staying connected.

On that anniversary trip with Geoff, that truth kept landing in my body, as news from home in the United States kept coming in.

These dual feelings came in not as a history lesson, but as a mirror.

In Part 1, I wrote about choosing curiosity over judgment, not because the stakes are low, but because they are so high.

In Part 2, I wrote about choosing compassion in action, staying above what’s called the

Dignity Line, the boundary between conflict that can be repaired and conflict that becomes corrosive.

And now, Part 3.

This is the tool I keep coming back to, in Rome, in the news, and in my own kitchen.

Choose to protect the Us

In every relationship, there are three components, each with needs, desires, impulses and actions.

You.

Me.

And the Us.

The “us” is the relationship itself, the shared space between two people, whether they know each other closely or not.

A slide from Carolyn's TEDx talk, Connection=Survival. The image shows the words, "You," "Me," and "Us" in white letters on a black background.

It is the thing you are building in your close relationships, day by day, with attention, repair, and care. (Your relationship is being built whether through intentional care and feeding, or through inattention, neglect or carelessness....but that is a post for another day...)

The Us is also the thing that happens when energy, positive or negative, moves between two people. That energy IS a relationship, and we all control whether that energy feeds us or hurts us.

The Us is also the first thing to get sacrificed when threat physiology takes over.

We got back three weeks ago, and now we are buried under snow. The latest blizzard in an intense winter here in the Northeast.

An image out Carolyn's office window as the February 2026 Blizzard dumps a foot of snow. The image shows a paned window with snow drifting in the panes and a tree almost buried in snow.

It is such a contrast, coming home to this small town I moved to, far away from the chaos and thrum of Rome. The streets are quiet, the sky feels closer, and the pace is slower.

In the middle of all this snow, I have been experiencing something that keeps restoring my faith in people and in the world:

Neighbors and businesses checking in on each other. People helping each other dig out.

A steady, ordinary kind of care that reminds me of all the good in people when we remember what matters.

This morning, I responded to a call from the equine rescue where I volunteer. The regular team could not get in. I only had an hour to give if I gave up my treadmill time. An easy choice when realizing the horses needed food and water!

Shortly after I arrived, car after car started showing up, as the volunteers went from 2 of us to almost 10.

Between frozen trips to bring water and food to the ponies and donkeys, and digging out paths so the horses could get out of their stalls to enjoy the sunshine, we all laughed and hugged at snow levels higher than some of the animals.

We connected in a community of people who care about rescued horses, donkies and each other.

Chip, the mini-horse, was very grateful I showed up today to clear the gates so we could get in and bring him his hay. The image shows a dappled white and black mini horse with snow and ice on his whiskers and face, with snow coming up to his back.

Despite it making my morning extra crowded, the call for service and for connection always pays off. This is what I mean by “choose to protect the us.” Choosing relationship always benefits our experience in our bodies and in our lives.

In my TEDx talk, I shared something I have learned the hard way: When we feel threatened, we get pulled toward being right.

·      We want to win.

·      We want to prove our point.

·      We want the other person to finally see what we want or need them to see.

Sometimes we are right and the lines really are clear.

But here is the cost that does not get talked about enough:

When we choose being right over protecting the relationship, we may win the argument, but we lose the connection. And when we lose connection, we pay for it.

We pay with physiological stress in shallow breath and tight jaws.

We pay with insomnia, with loneliness, and with the slow erosion of trust.

This is true in our homes, in our communities, and in our public life as the division and distrust puts us in survival mode chronically.

The empire is gone, the nervous system remains

Hadrian is often described as a “good emperor,” despite the horrific things he did like most people in power do.

Hadrian is gone, along with his empire.

The marble is broken, the mosaics are cracked, and the buildings are ruins now visited as tourist attractions.

The power that once felt permanent to the people of his time is dust.

But what remains now, and lives around us is the pattern:

Humans still do what humans have always done under threat.

We turn conflict into a scoreboard.

We start trading “who is right” like baseball cards:

• Who is more moral.

• Who is more informed.

• Who is more helpful.

• Who does more around the house.

• Who is the victim.

• Who is the villain.

And the tragedy is that even when we “win,” we often lose what we actually needed.

Safety.

Belonging.

Freedom.

Respect.

Repair.

A future.

Protecting the us does not mean tolerating harm

Let me say this clearly: Protecting the US is not passivity.

It is not denial, nor is it pretending harm is not harm.

It is not staying in relationships that are abusive or unsafe, unhealthy or no longer worth our energy.

Protecting the Us is about refusing to let threat physiology turn every conflict into exile.

It is about choosing the kind of power that keeps your humanity intact. It is about protecting the possibility of repair, because repair is how relationships survive.... And relationships are how humans survive.

The everyday places we practice this

Most of us are not negotiating treaties, but we are actually doing something much harder.

We are trying to stay human with the people we actually have to live with, like....that neighbor with the offensive political sign; the partner who cleaned the counter “wrong;" the friend who is always late; the colleague who talks over you; the family member who sends the text that makes your stomach drop...

These are the moments where the nervous system wants to tighten and we go binary:

And these are also the moments where you can practice something radical.

You can choose to protect the Us, prioritizing connection over winning, even if only to keep yourself from doing things or saying things that harm you and your integrity.

A simple practice: from “who’s right?” to “what does this relationship need?”

Here is a practice I use myself, and I teach it often. When you feel yourself gearing up to fight or win, pause and ask:

What does this relationship need right now?

(Not what do I need to prove.)

(Not what do I need to punish.)

(Not what do I need to win.)

(Not what will get me views, likes, or comments…)

What does this relationship need??

• Sometimes the answer is a boundary.

• Sometimes the answer is a repair.

• Sometimes the answer is a break.

• Sometimes the answer is accountability.

• Sometimes the answer is “I need to calm my body before I speak.”

But asking the question changes the direction of your nervous system.

It shifts your body, your brain and your heart from combat to connection, from certainty to curiosity, and from contempt to care.

Three ways to protect the us when you’re activated

1) Name the threat response out loud

When you feel your throat tighten, your fists clench or your breathing speed up. try something like:

·      “I’m getting rigid, and I don’t want to say something I can’t take back.”

·      “I’m scared, and my brain is trying to make you the enemy.”

·      “I’m furious, and I want to stay above the Dignity Line.”

This is not weakness, this is leadership. This will help you stay connected to each other and to yourself and who you are.

2) Choose one value to lead with

Under anger or the impulse to fight is often a value we are fighting to protect.

Some current real-world examples are:

Safety.

Dignity.

Fairness.

Respect.

Belonging.

Integrity.

Ask yourself:

What value is my anger (or that fight response) trying to protect?

With that answer, choose a next step that actually serves that value.

This could be volunteering, leading by example, setting that boundary, kind and clear communication, active and productive protest. This could be anything that aligns your actions to your values with care and intention.

3) Make one move toward connection

This move does not need to be a grand gesture, it can be one small move:

·      “Can we try this again?”

·      “Tell me what matters most to you here.”

·      “I can see why you’d feel that way.”

·      “I don’t agree, and I don’t want to fight.”

·      “I don't respect that opinion, but I respect your right to have it.”

Connection does not require agreement, it only requires humanity.

Why this matters right now

It is easy to think the big problems are “out there,” and not our responsibility or ours to change. It is easy (and so very human!) to see others' mistakes in this, and to not see our own.

However, the culture we are creating in each of our choices is built in the small moments.

It is in the way we talk to and about people, and the way we handle disagreement.

It is formed in the way we punish each other for being human, and the way we settle into our assumptions of people.

Civilizations do not just collapse from outside pressure, they erode from the inside when contempt becomes normal and cruelty becomes reasonable.

So this is my final takeaway (for now) from Rome.

Choosing curiosity helps us slow down.

Choosing compassion keeps us above the Dignity Line.

And...Choosing to protect the Us keeps us connected enough to repair.

Even when we are scared and when we are furious.

Choosing to protect the Us is especially powerful in those moments because those are the times most impactful to the quality of our health, our relationships and our world.

A closing invitation

If you feel the pull to be right this week, you are not alone. If you feel the pull to win, to punish, to prove, you are not broken, you are human.

Even human, you still get to choose what to do with that impulse.

So when you catch yourself in those moments, choose to protect the Us:

Choose one moment today where you can trade the scoreboard for connection, and notice what happens in your body, and what happens in the relationship with that person.

And if you try it, tell me, I’m curious (final time, I swear!). Let's trade stories!