Why?

(Unfiltered, mostly unedited ramblings on love and purpose...)

A few nights ago, I led the first of the re-recordings of The Fire It Up Marriage Accelerator. It reinvigorated the fun I have teaching online and leading people to greater meaning in their relationships. My favorite will always be in person, espcially my 1:1 work with individuals and couples, but working in groups and watching the light go on as they have fresh insights is a thrill and an honor.

And the discussion in the first session was on the very foundation of health in any relationship, especially the relationship to ourselves. And this goes to the basis of every action we take..the why of it all. Why did you choose that? Why are you saying that? Why are you doing that? What is the purpose and the goal of the action you are taking?

When I get stuck in any are of my life, it is usually that I have lost connection to the purpose. If I am disconnected from my larger purpose and am just going through the motions. I feel asleep in these moments, listless, irritated, unhappy. Even if in the most mundane of moment, that disconnection from the why of it all, this is where resentment and grouchiness creeps in. Doing the dishes while unfocused on how much I love my clean kitchen? Grouchy. At the grocery store (my least favorite task) without thinking about the joy I get cooking from my family? Well, you really don't want to run into me here, let's just say that.

The further away I get from the purpose--my purpose--the worse it gets.

And in relationships, whether those with our friends, family or our romantic partner, disconnection from that why leads us into very murky waters. Couples disconnected from their purpose drift from each other. Separated from the goals and agreements derived from that purpose, they start treating each other or their life with less care. This quickly devolves into more stupid fights, into bigger fights, into more destructive patterns and problems.

The day after this class, in session with a couple, they descended into an argument that quickly became unproductive. I interrupted them to ask one of them, "What was your goal in what you just said?"

There was a long pause. They didn't know. They didn't have a conscious goal, they were just in the throes of trying to win the argument, and this was not at all aligned with their goals for counseling or for their relationship. When urged to reconnect to their goal for our work, they were able to reset and start the conversation over.

Every human struggles to stay connected to their why. It is a practice that requires....practice. Many of us struggle to put the time into being deliberate on a consistent basis, almost needing convincing that it is worthwhile. When we build the habit of connecting daily to their purpose, their why, the change is remarkable.

My sessions always start with a focus on what outcome they want for the session. My retreats start with a goal or a hope for the time together. And throughout the process, we build this habit of becoming deliberate in our actions and aligning to our goals. This is at the very beginning of my book because it is so powerful in building things from the ground up.

Here is a practice for you to see for yourself:

Think of something you resist doing, or struggle to get done. Maybe it is the laundry (my second least favorite task...), or maybe it is putting your phone away and connecting with your partner after a busy day. Follow these three steps using that example:

1. What is most important to you in your life? Come up with 2-3 words or phrases, like "Family," "Joy," "Being reliable."

2. What are two of your biggest goals for you this year? "Earn X", "Finish Y", "Be a good parent"."Have more fun."

3. Hardest one: how does the task you avoid help you achieve the goal you have and the value you expressed.

If you said "Family," and "Being a good parent," laundry is a way you support your family and take care of your kids. This is now your why. Notice what changes as you think about the task you named.

When you begin avoiding laundry or struggle to get it done, you can ask, am I working toward my goal or fulfilling my why? When you are honest with yourself, the answer usually leads us to get back to the action we need. (And when it doesn't, we usually haven't answered one of the questions truthfully or completely...)

Obviously this is a very simplistic example. Arguing with your partner, drinking too much, or any number of other bigger habits are more difficult to examine and own than the laundry. However, the pause to consider these three questions will lead you to answers that help you reset and make choices that help you align with your goals.

Write me back and share your challenges and I can give you a more personalized plan. Or reach out for a 1:1 consult and I can let you know if coaching might help you.

And if you want a really fun, restoring and deeper dive into how your relationships could really feed the rest of your life, join me at Kripalu this September 11-13. More information and registration here.