Are You Sleepwalking in Your Relationship?
Updated: 4 days ago
You're halfway through the same argument you had last week (and the week before that), and somewhere around the third "that's not what I said," you can both feel it happening: the defensiveness kicking in, the voices getting tighter, each of you bracing for the other's next line because you've both memorized the script. This is sleepwalking in your relationship.
Or maybe it's date night at the same restaurant, ordering the same thing, talking through the same logistics, then home for the same intimacy routine you could perform in your sleep, which, honestly, is sort of the point.
Maybe you catch yourself drifting off to that hot romance from your twenties, the one who made your heart pound, and wondering whatever happened to that version of you. Or you've quietly become a world-class expert in the annoying parts of your person: the way they load the dishwasher, the throat clearing, the story you've now heard eleven times.
Every one of these is a clue that you've fallen asleep in your relationship. Any time we slip into the habitual, whether it's a fight, a routine, a fantasy, or a fixation, we've stopped showing up for the actual human in front of us, and that sleepiness, more than anything else, is what will quietly take you down.
I just finished with a couple who agreed wholeheartedly that they wanted a different pattern, that they knew they were each contributing to the problem, when both of them separately began doing the very thing they agreed they needed to stop. We all laughed together at how much of an underhanded a-hole our brains are at getting us to repeat the habit we are trying to break.
The patterns we learned before we could choose
Maybe you learned early to shut down when voices got raised. Maybe you learned to say "I'm fine" when you were anything but, because fine was easier and was honestly received better. At some point that strategy made perfect sense: it kept the peace, kept you out of trouble, or kept you from being "too much" for the people around you.
The catch is that we carry those strategies straight into our adult relationships and replay them, without noticing, most of the time. When life gets full, when we're tired, when there's friction between what we want and what the person across from us wants, we fall into the familiar move and quietly put ourselves to sleep. These patterns use less resources, whether energy, thought, or emotion, in doing the thing we have always done. It is predictable and it is unconscious, and that unconsciousness is the sleep I am talking about.
One nap won't sink a relationship. Over months and years, though, all that habitual drifting adds up, and we end up further and further apart until we're sleepwalking side by side, sharing a kitchen and a calendar while the intimacy, the depth, the sense of purpose and the plain old joy slip out the window when nobody's looking.
What waking up looks like in the room
The good news is that we can wake ourselves up, and helping people do that is the heart of what I teach in Fire It Up (the book), in the Fire It Up self-study course, and in nearly every coaching and therapy session I lead. I help you catch yourself in those habits and rewire your brain to respond differently in real time. Then I provide the practices to continue strengthening the new habits that bring back what you want in your connection.
In another recent session, a couple and I were practicing my listening exercise, and within a few minutes they had slid right back into their familiar groove of defensiveness and reactivity. You could almost hear the needle drop onto a record they'd both memorized. So I interrupted, helped them see that they'd gone back to sleep in a pattern they knew by heart, and slowed everything way down.
From that slower place, we got curious about what was actually driving the defensiveness for each of them. As the truth underneath came into view, they softened, compassion and curiosity found their way back in, and they both leaned toward each other, toward what was real between them beneath a pattern they'd been asleep to for decades.
If I make it sound easy, I apologize. It isn’t easy, though it is simple. Without that other person in the room catching them both in that habitual place, we all just get stuck on repeat. I do it in any of my long-term relationships (friends, family, kids…), because the brain is busy keeping me alive and safe, and it is constantly misperceiving shit around me and reacting quicker than I can catch.
It's not only about your partner
Partnerships are where most of us spot this first, but the same sleepiness shows up everywhere. Maybe it's the colleague you've learned to go along with because offering your own ideas turns every meeting into a debate. Maybe it's a sibling, a parent, or one of your kids, where standing up for what the situation needs feels like more of a fight than you have in you, so you nod along and drift off.
None of this makes you a bad partner, sibling, or coworker. It makes you human, and in the short run staying asleep really is the easier option. It just tends to cost us the very closeness we're hoping for.
Fresh off my September Kripalu retreat, I am reminded of the power of helping people in groups. The validation that comes from seeing others in the same struggle frees us all to name things more openly. So, here’s what I am doing….
Join me live on October 26
On Monday, October 26, I'm teaching a live course on waking up more fully in your relationships. We'll look at where you tend to go to sleep, why you do it, and what it looks like when it happens, and then I'll guide you through gentle, doable practices for waking up into a more conscious, reciprocal, loving connection with the people who matter to you. One part neuroscience, one part attachment, and one part playful practice.
When: Monday, October 26, 7 p.m. Eastern / 4 p.m. Pacific. This will run anywhere from an hour to 90 minutes, depending on how interactive people want to be. I will stay as long as people have questions.
Where: Zoom
How it works: I teach, lead you through exercises, and we talk it through together as a group
Cost: $22 per person, and the replay is yours for life
Already in the Fire It Up self-study course? You're in for free. Your enrollment includes free entry to every workshop I offer (at least for now
You're welcome to keep your camera off and simply watch. I'll confess I'm hoping you'll be brave and turn it on, because there's enormous relief in discovering how many other people do exactly what you do. Every one of us falls asleep in our relationships in some way.
If you'd love relationships that feel easier, richer, and a lot more joyful, I hope you'll join me.
Here is the registration link: https://secureconnectionscoaching.com/stopthesnooze Join us!
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