When the Bickering Is More Annoying Than the Mosquitos...

Why summer vacation is often more of a struggle than we want.

A couple looking out at the ocean on the beach.

Couple after couple I see wait all year for summer. By the time warmer weather rolls around, they’re maxed out on burnout and craving fun, connection, and rest. The fiscal year ends, the school calendars clear, and the fantasy begins: this is it. There is finally time to exhale and reconnect finally.

So they make the plans, pack up the gear, leave the routine behind, and dream of the quality time that comes with it. Sunshine, slow mornings, and the luxury of time for each other again…

And yet, despite all these dreams, it is not long before they’re bickering about sunscreen, where to park, or the fact that someone left their sandy backpack dumped in the entryway again.

And even as it’s happening, some part of them knows: this isn’t about the backpack.Just like back at home, it wasn’t about the dishwasher either.

It’s the relationship equivalent of a flashing neon boardwalk sign, complete with creepy ice cream truck music playing in your head. It gets into your brain and is hard to ignore. Because underneath all the bickering, your nervous system is trying to say something important: You may have left the chores behind, but you brought your neglected relationship with you. Time away does not automatically create the connection you crave and it definitely does not wash away all the irritations and struggles you have been avoiding for months. Without care, these things come rushing back when you have the time and space to attend to them. 

Bickering Is a Symptom Not the Problem

When small stuff sparks big irritation, it’s usually not because you're being unreasonable or picky. It’s because there’s not enough oxygen in the relationship and because your relationship needs care.

This oxygen is the kind I describe in Fire It Up: deep understanding and mutual acceptance of each other as people beyond the roles you play and the annoying behaviors that drive each of you crazy. When you feel seen, known, and respected for who you are, including those parts that annoy each other, you can breathe. When you feel supported for who you are, you can relax and you can soften toward each other and finally enjoy each other. 

Without that deep understanding and acceptance, minor moments of irritation get spicy, and resentment builds between you. Eventually, you’re bickering about beach coolers like your entire relationship depends on hydration and you feel a million miles apart on your “dream vacation”.

Why Summer Vacation Turns Up the Volume

You’re in a beautiful place and you’re technically off the clock. But even here on this special time together, something feels off.

So many couples come to me confused and disappointed by this. All year, you've said: “We just need quality time. A change of scenery will help.” But then the time arrives, and instead of connection, you feel tension, distance, and frustration. So many couples come to me feeling hopeless at this experience: if a vacation doesn’t even feel good, aren’t we sunk?

I happily correct this fear: This, like any painful moment, offers incredible possibility to create something new. Though, first you have to look honestly at what is happening.

Looking honestly means seeing that more time together doesn’t automatically mean more intimacy. You then recognize that you have a lot of unspoken stuff between you. 

Summer slows everything down and this shines a spotlight on what’s not working, and what is really needed. If acceptance is the missing piece, that spotlight illuminates all the places you feel neglected, lonely, or distant. The good news is that a reset is always possible. 

To Reset, Ask Yourself:

• Do I know what my partner needs or wants from me right now?

• Have I made it safe for them to tell me what’s really on their mind?

• Do they feel loved for who they are, even when their habits drive me up a wall?

• Have we been doing our parts to turn toward each other more than toward our work, kids and chores? 

Back when you first met, you were wildly curious about each other. You wanted to know everything. That curiosity is what built the early spark. But over time, curiosity easily gets replaced by efficiency in the desire to get through the day with as little friction as possible. And that shift, while understandable, turns us into managers instead of lovers.

Often, couples feel that switch and experience the loss of curiosity as a loss of interest. When this happens, they focus more on the shared to-dos, which are easier to manage than the growing emotional distance. 

This moment is where you have the opportunity to turn back to each other and reconnect. This is first a mindset shift which creates that opening for more. 

The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything

The good news is that you don’t need a long vacation or a relationship overhaul. You just need a different perspective on each other and on your life together. Recognizing where you are and how far away from when you first met can help you normalize that you’ve grown apart, and provide the motivation to reset and reconnect.

At any point you can choose to see your partner as a whole person again rather than just a walking list of habits you wish they’d change. Look for who they are beyond the to-do list, the parenting decisions, the clutter. Look to what they love, how they feel, what they hope for. At any moment, you have the choice to wonder about what they are thinking about and how they are feeling as a doorway back to the person you fell in love with. You can rediscover the person you chose and what you love about them.

On the beach or in the traffic jam back from vacation, you can remember that this isn't about parking spots or dishwashers. It’s about needing to feel safe, seen, and understood, even when you're sunburned, sandy, and tired. Practicing this mindset shift on vacation will help you bring this back to your day-to-day life. Practicing it in real life will offer a happier vacation, the next time you go. 

Here is part of the the oxygen practice I teach. 

Oxygen Fixes What Nagging Never Will

When you find yourselves bickering, this is your cue to check your acceptance levels. Are you over-focusing on the tasks you share instead of your connection? Are you overlooking the important parts of who your partner is in your focus on getting things done? 

If you answer to either of these questions is yes, move away from the logistics (“Just put your stuff away!”) and shift your focus to curiosity about what’s going on beneath the surface. (“What are ya thinking about?” “What is important to you today?”) 

Ask:What would help us both feel more relaxed, more understood, more like ourselves right now?

This shift opens the door to connection, even in the messiness of daily life, whether you’re picking a restaurant on vacation or trying to get out the door on a Wednesday. And for a bonus, this connection helps everything run more smoothly, thereby getting things done faster and working together more easily! 

Want Less Snapping and More Breathing Room?

For Fire It Up students, start with the Oxygen module. It’s packed with tools, scripts, and insights to help you go from snippy to steady. One of the most powerful is the 40,000-foot needs exercise—a perspective reset that changes everything. It helps you see the bigger picture of who you each are, so that in the midst of chaos you can remember what is really important. The book version has many of the same exercises in the appendix! 

It doesn’t take more time. It takes a mindset shift that helps you stop wasting energy on the same exhausting loops and helps you see each other beyond the responsibilities you share. It allows you to grow into the best version of yourselves with the support and acceptance you need to grow. 

Because once you have oxygen, you can finally breathe together again and this unlocks the best vacations and the easier lives together back at home. 

Explore the Fire It Up Marriage Accelerator Here or Fire It Up: Four Secrets to Reigniting Intimacy and Joy here.