When you consciously shift your mindset to the goals you have, to the relationship you want, you are able to begin moving toward the things you want. When you work to choose curiosity over judgment, compassion over criticism, you're not just thinking differently, but creating new neural pathways. You're teaching your brain a new way to relate.

This week my heart has been heavy. The headlines, the violence, the careless cruelty are loud. Rage is an understandable reflex, as is fear. But here is the hard truth I keep returning to: rage may feel powerful, yet it corrodes our bodies and our relationships. Kindness is not naïve. Kindness is necessary.

Do you know the purpose of your relationship? Is that a strange question? Many couples get really puzzled when I ask them that question,...